Rape!
It has occurred to me that if I were to be assaulted by a terrifying man with a ski mask and a knife, and that if this man picked me up bodily and told me he was about to rape me at knifepoint, then the wisest and most intelligent thing to do would be to laugh, manically. Like so: "Heh. Hehehe. Baahahahahah! Hahaha!! Hhhyyuk hgurkahahaha heheheheheeee *snort*!!!!!!"
This laugh of profound insanity should be followed by a few uncontrollable chortles, and much show of wiping a stray tear from one's eye. The would-be rapist will inevitably be intrigued - at least temporarily. And that is your cue. That is when you say the following magic words:
"Go right ahead. I've got AIDS."
And you're home free! Your would-be rapist would, within about 0.28 seconds, become your would-have-been-but-is-now-59-blocks-away rapist. Nifty, huh?
Take heed, though. The only, only thing that could turn the tables completely on you, in this more-or-less foolproof Plan To Avoid Being Raped, is if your rapist delivers the same nervewrackingly insane laugh.....and says:
"So do I."
Because if this happens, then...my dear reader, in the most ironic way possible, you're fucked.
On a completely, completely different note, I promise...happy birthday, my dear Alan :) Hope you like your present. Knowing the Malaysian/British postal system, it should get to you around the same time as I do - in September.