Postscript
(Apologies for the crudeness, but it is terribly early/late/whatever.)
It is far, far too late to be awake. It is, in fact, so late that it's actually far, far too early to be awake as well. My mind is imploding in the face of this puzzling paradox, but it has drawn one clear-cut conclusion, at least, from the haze of confusion, and is shouting it at me via my iron-heavy eyelids: I really should not be awake at all.
Thank goodness for espresso so terrifically potent that my eyelids have been artificially soldered to my forehead.