Rhetorical Letters
Dear Nasty Police People,
Please forgive [name withheld] for his inexpiable crime of Being A Good Citizen and locating security flaws in that program, and furthermore informing the program developer about them so that they might be rectified. He was not aware that instead of lauding his integrity, you would accuse him of stealing credit card information, mentally label him a delinquent hacker, interrogate him into the ground and annex his computer for investigation. I'm sure he is deeply, deeply sorry for it.
If he had been aware that this preposterous injustice would take place, he wouldn't have told you about it, you witless primordial-gunk-for-brains.
Dear Good Friend of [name withheld]'s,
I heard about your dad's diagnosis. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you're feeling now. I can only imagine how you're feeling now. Is he all right? How's your mum holding up? That sucks, man. Oh my god. Is there anything I can do? Everything's going to be all right. It'll all be ok. If I mouth mindless platitudes and then strike them out, will that make them less mindless, mitigate my graceless idiocy, somehow?
I don't know what to say.
Dear Me,
Just how long do you think you can postpone your 5000 word essay with the deplorable excuse that you absolutely must do cartwheels in the lawn outside?