homecoming, homegoing
back home. the contrast between beijing and kuala lumpur cuts two ways. less people, less unsolicited mucus, no nine-lane-wide roads sheared into a vanishing point, no pedestrian death traps on the intersections. no unmentionable public toilets. no pollution, no days where the skyline shades off into monotone, where even the most insistent sunlight fails to reveal colour. no godforsaken salespeople. no bargaining. no street vendors peeling a steaming pancake off the grill, wrapping it in brown paper and taking my two yuan. no sweet summer peach dribbling down my chin on a cool night. no bottles of iced green and carnation tea selling alongside the standard soda fare. no sense of complete abandon.
i'm not sure at what point it was in that paragraph that beijing turned into a place i almost couldn't bring myself to leave. but here i am, back in malaysia - everything is warm and familiar, except that odd kernel inside, wondering why i feel a little as though i haven't just come home, but just left it.
(and then i remember things like how i haven't really had a home in over two years, that i couldn't even bring myself to decorate my room on campus last year because i knew i'd be leaving it, that i don't have a room at 'home' in KL anymore, that i've lived the whole of summer so far out of a suitcase, that i'm rapidly approaching the stage where i have to carry kitchen utensils around with me, which is actually kind of funny, in a sad way).
homegoing, going...gone?