the crazy one |
alan fieldmouse
22.04.2003: Hum |
Hum
I'm sitting here, after a fairly interesting party thinking....this blog page doesn't have half enough entries from people who are drunk. So i though, I qualify for that category, and decided to write something totally meaningful and R-Tic-u-l8. If the sea if orange, and so are oranges, why isnt the sea a fruit? Oh dear. How much a fool of myself I must have made. Oh well. Atleast now I known where I stand in the grand scheme of things.
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Golf
Not personally against golf, but I had to give this public airing:
Golf is nothing but the bastard amalgam of billiards and hiking
Apologies to all who partake in golfing activities.
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Brains! Wargh.
I remember reading somewhere that we can only consciously control 10% of our brains. That's slightly overwhelming....Sure, a lot of that 90% left probably just controls day to day bodily functions, but surely if we did have total control of our brains, we'd be able to make gigantic leaps.....for one we'd all be able to bend sp00ns!!!!11!!!! Possibly.
On the subject of brains, if our brains happened to become any bigger naturally, we wouldnt be able to born unless through un-natural means or through the cervix (my female biological knowledge is lacking, may be the wrong name there..) becoming wider. So as it is, this our full mental potential.
Funny that..
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Language
I was thinking about music the other day and how western music is predominant (atleast 'Popular' music). I was thinking, I really like this song I'm listening too, I really like the way [insert something] rhymes with [something that rhymes with something] and the music fits the mood and the way the drum beat/ actually I wasn't thinking that. But anyway, the way language is created, surely in english when 'sun' and 'fun' rhyme (connotations of being requiring sun to have fun, the sun having sunglasses and smiling etc) you can think its a coincidence, but I wonder, in Chinese does sun rhyme with, like, rattlesnake or something? Because then all some chinese song would have a chorus that goes "blah blah blah Sun, blah blah blah Rattlesnake" And i swear that wouldnt be as nice as Sun Fun.
I'm trying to figure out what I'm trying to say....
.....
.....
Erm.....So yeah, if culture is based on language and what connotations we get with certain words then surely how languages fit togther can tell a lot about a culture? Take:
Fight, Height, Light, Bite, Tight
and,
Shoe, Blue, Glue, Too
they all rhyme and subconsciously will infiltrate our minds as 'words that are linked"
Say in Chinese (I know no Chinese)
These rhyme:
Flew, Ball, Penguin, Talk, Jezebel
Now, subconsciously, wont the different rhymes affect us in subconscious ways? I've written enough, Bye.
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Heeaavvyy
Wanna know something heavy to do with pHySicS??!?!11111
Erm.
John Wheeler (physicist) believes that the Big Bang didn't happen until consciousness evolved and was able to look back through time and become aware of its origin.
That would mean that, now it doesnt make a difference because we are aware of the idea of the Big Bang, but before we were conscious (and assuming there are no other conscious organisms in the universe for simplicities sake) then there was no origin. It's like, if a tree feel down in a forest blah blah blah, If a universe got created and no-one was around to.....hear it.....would it still be created?
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Emotions
I realised 'the other day' that I'm a fool. I'll sit at a party and deconstruct everyone, trying to figure them all out, why they do things etc, in a very critical way. What's the point? The chances of me being right a very low. The chances of me creating a completely wrong image of someone - very high. There's a lot of unreasonable people about the world. Quick to anger, want revenge, want more etc. and when I see people falling into these emotions I'll think of myself as better than them because I can see through it. What does that make? If I had a could see through my 'rages' as overloads of hormones, if i could Actually do that I'd be a very boring calm person. I think the majority of people would say anger is a bad thing, and I guess in the majority it is. But if no-one was angry, if no-one had a reason to fight, or to retaliate to a fight, we'd be a very sad species. Personally, I wish I was even more emotional. Sitting through my whole life deconstructing things so they make sense and I don't need to worry about them anymore.....how wasteful. I guess this links in with why I envy people who can be arrogant and self-obsessed. If I had to sum this up: If I'm opinionated, atleast I have an opinion.
Hot like a chilli
When you return from the supposedly hotter 'continent' to the grey suburbs or chilly England you expect there to be Less mosk-it-ohs and Less death-from-Sun-Rayes. Instead, two things appear to be wrong back here on the Isles: 1) It's very very hot and 2) The Mosk-It-Ohs aren't dying from sun-stroke.
And as I'm big on circles I suggest that one is causing the other and the other causing the one...
The M.I.O.'s have actually been flinging their young into that raging inferno of a star causing it's heat to rise marginally. While the sun, heating the M.I.O's brains to maximum efficiency has allowed them to figure out the secrets of Genetic Engineering, thus the new Invinci-Strain of M.I.O's.
Uhuh? Ya ya. Woah woah MoFo.
Yo. That sh*t is ill.
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Results
I just want to wish everyone well with their a-level results and offer the compensatory fact that, whatever you get, I'll get lower.
Not exactly true in terms of Sam and A-Level Biology ;)
I propose that all 17/18 year olds start the drinking process around 2 am tonight and finish about.....well.....that depends on how good/bad your results are.
Personally, I think I may be drinking long into Winter (of 2310).
But hey! Atleast I can dance!
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Everything
If anyone knows the significance of the line "I bring home the turkey, you bring home the bacon" in the song El Scorchio by Weezer, I'd really like to be enlightened.
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Testing
Life is beautiful.
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Rocks MY socks
What with 'Holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming, Always Coca Cola' (I was paid £2.50 to type that) I realise that people probably want some presents...
Just out of personal interest, what kindsa of things are people wanting these days? If you go back a few years it was the Teletubbies christmas single, then it was Mr. Blobby's...Cliff Richards......Michael Jackson's..........
This year we have....mm.....the Cheeky Girls, 'Have a Cheeky Christmas' or something like that, which has the same theme effectively of 'Have a Cheeky Holiday' or whatever that was called......
Basically, enjoy yourself.
Personally I want Radiohead to release a Christmas single in collabaration with The Muppets. A cover of 'We all live on a Yellow Submarine' maybe?
That or a new iMac. MMMmmmmmmmmmmm.
I'm lovin' it.
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Empty-NEZ
I feel sad staring at the Volvic mineral water bottle. What has it become? The shame it must feel, naked in our kitchen, not containing Volvic mineral water but tap water. I feel depressed as I think about how things have turned out for it. Drained of its inner self it now harbours a cheap soul, a cheap core of tap water. I guess in honesty tap water is not that different from Volvic water, but lets not discriminate.
If I could talk to it I'd apologise for the life my family have stolen from it. It's hard enough to carry our own burdens, but other peoples? Too much for a poor plastic container. Wait! Maybe it prefers existence this way....It beats dying doesn't it? Be a container or suffer a long, drawn out, un-biodegradable death. Could you spend your life being someone else's container, or would you prefer to die right now? I hear you reply with a very good point. We are biodegradable, but still, lets not discriminate.
Orlando: We should all talk to drink containers once in a while or the sky might fall in.
Volvic bottle: It might.
Orlando: I guess if the sky fell in there'd be a lot more water.....so more need for you?
Volvic bottle: I guess so. Is that a good thing? Are there Biker Mice on Mars? The more the world needs me the happier I am, but the sadder I'll be if I let it down.
Orlando: You wont let the world down. Unless you get punctured. Or if you puncture the world.
Volvic bottle: Sometimes it's just too much Eric, sometimes it's just too much.
Orlando: I know...I know.
You can act out the above with your friends, works well to the sound of "Filipino Box Spring Hog" by Tom Waits. Volvic © is a trademark or copyright thing of the Volvic Mineral Water Company (I think) so don't take me to court for whatever reason. Yah?
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Bags O'Full
It claws at me like a tarantula.
Fear? In the corner?
Loneliness, are you scared of yourself?
Loneliness, fear this, I don't feel lost,
I'm underneath an iron gaze.
Everyone walking backward to the beat of drums.
I'm tired of pleading with you my love.
Keeping your head above water,
Then your hands push me under.
I disturb the peace,
You feel your lungs release.
They fill like a bag of bones,
Stones to your feet
Sleep.
On the surface it appears to be a poem about suffocating someone you love. Surface, geddit?
Alan, Jumping up and down on the BandWagon
Heres a short argument. Don't take this as a defence of my poetry, but more of a suggestion. A friend said to me "Everyone says modern art is rubbish, but anyone can screw up a piece of paper. Yeah, but Does anyone screw up a piece of paper?" Use the same thinking for poetry, and crazy people.
You see someone who looks a bit odd, or you read a book thats a bit odd, or a film or a poem or whatever, you think,
"Bah, disregard Everything this person/poem/book stands for because it is too odd for me and it's attention seeking rubbish. It's just someone/someones attempt at being interesting or outlandish and I think we should ignore because then it goes away"
Basically, you stupid shit, you don't understand so you take the easiest route and disregard messages. Sure, you might be right at times, you do get people who are wearing odd socks and jump up and down to get attention, but even that doesnt excuse you from listening to them. I know someone who my whole school year thinks is "crazy" and should be ignored because he's always doing odd things. Turns out his father died recently, maybe he needs the attention. Maybe he's also a very good person. Maybe theatre performances featuring giant hand puppets are trying to get across a message. Maybe those 'crazy' art movies shot in silence using just one primary colour are trying to say something. Maybe bands like Radiohead, Clinic, Godspeed, JJ-fucking-72 arent just fooling around with false messages. But no, You dont understand so Why bother. "They're just trying to be crazy"
Just like me. I doubt the above will change anyones opinion on anything whatsoever, but the next time you think someone's acting odd for whatever reason, try this. Act like that person for a day. I'm sure you can manage that. Now a week. Now a year. Now your whole life. Do you think people act their whole lives to get attention? Do you think all odd people have an inner 'normal' person that they are when they get home? Maybe for Marylin Manson, but not the people you'll encounter in your life.
Alan. Wow, I'm actually gunna let people see this.
Haha.
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Love, Sweet Love
So when you're in love with someone who's not in love with you, what can you do? Get over it I suppose. How about when you've been going out with that person for 2 years? And her love just disappears like mist on a mirror. What can you do? You can fight. You can do all those crazy things they do in romantic comedies, the ones that make Hugh Grant or whoever look oh-so-cute. Or you can come to terms.
Or you can completely despise this person who, after a 2 year long embrace, has pulled away with a heart pumping in her hands.
Not that I do. Not her fault at all, I'm sure in my life I will cause someone as much pain as she has. And she hasn't meant any.
She's been as beautiful and loving as ever, even in killing me.
But that doesn't help. What can you do? Nothing nothing nothing nothing.
You know when you're angry, people get used to that emotion. We also half-know what happiness is like, it's an old friend, an aquaintance we all know well enough to chat with, but not invite to the pub. But what is this loss? This is so new and...bizaare.
Loss. When do we in the 1st world feel loss? At the end of relationships, at death, at loss of material. But I've never cared for material....
Loss. It's like nothing. It's anger and woe and bitterness and sadness, but theres also the taste of hope, just on the tip of your tongue.....
With loss comes hope for the new...such an odd feeling.
What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?
Cry, cry, cry again. Then have a go at single life. What do single people do? I've spent most of my active teenage life in a relationship. What do singles guys do? Go to each others houses to watch porn? Perfect their musical/academic/artistic abilities? That would explain a few things...
Fuck. As she said, 'I have so much in my mind I cant think of anything'. The only thing I want to say to her is "I love you" over and over. The most pitiful, disgusting, gut-wrenchingly painful dying words of a relationship ever to grace this earth. I've done the Hugh Grant method. It works for about a month, then she realises she doesnt actually want you. Ha. Just prolonging my own expiry date.
"What the world, needs now, is love, sweet love" [swearing] cosy superficial unreal [/swearing] perfume adverts.
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Dream
I just saw the most bizaare thing on late night tv. I hardly ever watch tv but I just got back from a friends house and needed something to do so i found a random program, the plot went like this:
A man is having a re-occouring dream that he recieves a call, gets into his car, finds a briefcase, drives to Bradford (which is a very long way from London, which is where he lives), delivers the briefcase to a woman at a house, then drives home. When he wakes up he is exhausted, from the drive supposedly.
His lack of sleep begins to wreck his life so he finds a psychologist. He is of no help (suggesting the car is a symbol of fertility and all that crap, "Do you ever penetrate the house? Does the lady ever ask you in for sugar?") so he finds a new one. The new one is an odd psychologist in that he finds dreams boring and suggests frankly: "In the dream, when you get the call, call my number and I'll come with you. You drive us there, I'll drive back and you can sleep. You should get some rest then."
It works and he starts to regain his life.
He meets an old friends of his who is having the same exhaustion problem, except the dream is that he hears a door bell, answers the door to 3 18 year old girls and proceeds to have sex throughout the whole night. The same rememdy is suggested from our protaganist, simply ring him, he'll ring the psychologist, and that'll shorten the workload.
He meets his friend again later in a road accident. His friend had fallen asleep at the wheel.
Protaganist: Didnt it work? You were supposed to ring me.
Friend: I did ring you! I've been ringing you every night!
P: So? why did this happen?
F: You always say "I'm sorry, I cant come, I have to drive to Bradford."
It was much more surreal on screen.
Fuckin crazy actually. He manages to become best friends with the psychologist in his dreams, whereas in real life he hardly knows him.
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Squirrel
Cats meow, dogs bark, birds tweet, but what do squirrels do?
I found out today. After a lesson I had nothing to do, so I was wondering aimlessly, much like many of you will do at some point in your lives...when I noticed a lone squirrel gallantly standing on a picnic bench in my schools picnic bench area. It did not run 5 miles away as soon as it saw me, which surprised me, "A tame squirrel? Surely that's not very possible." I approached silently and slowly. Like a....what is it? Kangaroo. That's the one. I approached the squirrel like a kangaroo.
It noticed me. And then it happened. What would you expect a squirrel to sound like? A cross between a chirp and a purr maybe? Possibly you're a bit of a wild one and expect full on screaming from a squirrel such as, "Aaaaaaarrggggghhhh!!" (that was to put everyone off).
Well they actually sound like chickens/roosters/pigeons. A bit like, "Rawwwwgggkkkkk!" and sometimes, "Nnnurgiiik!!" Very odd animal.
It just sat there on a picnic bench making this ridiculous sound. Over and over. A friend was walking the other way and I shouted to him, "Simon! That squirrel is making ridiculous sounds!" Obviously he comes over, watches for two minutes while the squirrel endeavours to make a complete fool of me by not speaking/ I mean noise-ing. Simon walks off with that "Oh Alan" expression on his face. Then Ali walks along, he stays longer, and there it goes. "RAawwwwwggkk!!! Nuuurrgikk!!!" Ali is taken aback. He doesnt believe it. I know how he feels.
THEN SUDDENLY. Out of a tree a squirrel simply fllieesss onto a variety of cables and branches, engages the original squirrel in vicious combat, and the whole charade is carried away into the nether regions of squirrel world...much to the amusement of the gathering onlookers.
So it was just a call to arms. That's not the right phrase. But squirrels having Call to Arms is just SUCH a HECTIC idea that I can't let it go to waste.
Rock on dude. Squirrels ROCK.
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Racist
Humans...cuddly little.....bastards arent they.
A few years back Asians flooded into England. Indians, Chinese, Koreans, whatever. Some may have been met with hostility. In places the hostility still runs thick. In other places there is hardly any. I'm pretty sure a lot of 'outsiders' felt awful due to white people. Isolated, shunned, alone. Possibly a bit of hatred to these oppressers. Possibly not.
I live in London, and go to one of the best sixth forms in my county. I have an english father and korean mother. There is a kind of...unwritten idea that asian kids are pushed harder and do better at schools, get to be doctors. All that bull. Well, if it's true or not, my common room is predominantly Asian. In my year the people who form the 'cooler' ring of society (cooler meaning they fuck loads of girls, have no emotions other than greed and anger and get drunk (oh yeah, i go to an all boys school. Fun) are predominatly white. In the year below they are very very much asian. They use all the slang that black people are associated with, possibly thinking that makes them cool?
Well anyway, my point is. Whoever's at the top is a shit. If you think whites are more racist than blacks or asians then you're wrong. One thing people say about racism is that we should all look beyond colour because we are all human. This is very true. We are all human, we all have the capacity for racism. And the people at the top will always be racist. I overhear the lower sixth asains bullying white boys much like ive experienced white boys in my year bullying asian boys.
I would prefer to be the underdog. Atleast then you have a valid reason to hate the other race.
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Hopeless
Science comes up with a lot of things. All of which are not 100% true, but we all need something to believe in.
Scientists are mostly united in their belief of atoms. Everything is made up of molecules, then atoms, then protons/neutrons/electrons, and so on supposedly.
The Earth is part of the solar system, which is part of countless other collections until we get to the whole universe. The ultimate. The all of everything. But theres no reason to believe theres only one universe....
The way everything has the possibility of being infinitely dividable into smaller parts, and also grouped into larger wholes, doesn't this show that maybe nature is trying to tell us something? Give up working me out now because....you can go on forever mate. Not that I'm suggesting that's possible, just that there is no point. But theres no point to anything we do, so why pick out wondering and thinking and speculating.
There's a line from an Our Lady Peace song that goes "talking is just masturbating". I feel like that sometimes. All this social speculation, comparing of themes as if our view hasnt been had three million times, voicing our unique opinions to each other, is it all some kind of self-gratification thing?
For someone who feels this way I probably self gratify myself a bit too much on this site. I'll always be the first to call myselh hypocrite! so don't worry.
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Mumma, I just killed a man
Occaisionally in life things happen.
Like big tings.
And sometimes these big tings are like buses and sometimes they are not.
For in-stance: You don't spend ages for Christmas to find 3 come along at once, but you *can* wait ages for albatri (that should be the plural of Albatross right? Damn right)
Ok. Heres something some people may learn from. Like...a 'serious' point perhaps.
Ever notice how...when French people speak, especially political French people, the first 2/3's of the sentance will sound as though they've forgotten what they're talking about, the last 1/3 they'll suddenly jump up and remember it.
like this...
"blah blah...uh...blah blah....blahblahblah?!!"
"kes coo sais.....uh....je'suis grande...uh....j'habite dans le grande pomme?!!"
I hope you can all see that yup?
It is true.
Love,
The Mouse in the House
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Bad bad bad fish
Just a little ditty here....
A few years ago Michael Jackson did a set on the brits or grammy's or whatever dressed in white and adorned with bright lights-basically maskerading as Jesus. Jarvis Cocker, among others was dspleased and found this to be very distasteful and obscene. I'm not saying it is or it isn't, but on the parrallel with that 'image' is the fact that the image of 'badness' is seen as cool and very much allowed. Britney Spears, Eminem, many rappers (I'm not slagging off hip-hop here) and rock bands feature flames, explosions, the performer emerging from gas or mist...destruction......at their gigs.
I see that 'imitating' holy-ness is quite sacreligious and pretentious, but why does that make being 'bad' good?
I guess I'm having a go at the whole act of rebellion here. So I should shut up, because going against rebellion in itself is stupid. I just thought I'd raise the issue.
I wonder why being 'good' is not seen as cool....think about that....as children we like whats good dont we? I'm not sure...I always remember how odd I found it that my friends and i would laugh when other people fell over....
Music itself is very powerful and maybe it's easier to manifest this power in destruction (cue images of guitars being trashed). Any band saying their music is holy would get shot...or be P.O.D.
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:)
It's Valentines Day, I'm alone, and now I'm actually going to get a beer to drink by myself.
And the thing is, I'm really really happy.
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Life is so good.
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What I think about Sam Leak
Today has been an interesting day. Firsly I bought some guitar strings, secondly my 80gb hard drive arrived today so i can begin work on editing my mulittude of movies into something resembling....somethingits sitting there now...with a blue l.e.d. shooting me in the face.
When you look in the mirror what do you see?
Do you drown?
I wonder how Cerberus felt when Orpheus lost Eurydices. Do you think it barked or cried?
Just because it feels good doesnt make it right people. I hope you
all know that.I hope you all know that our decisions are just that.
Blaming choices you make on anything but yourself is ridiculous because
if they were truly choices....then we have to be careful what we say
too much too quickly can leave us in exhibitions without a tour guide.
i mean, why would i care about a picture of sunflowers with no-one
to give me the history and social context behind them?
I'll be damned. If i havent learnt how to jump over my shadow by
the age of 40 ill kill myself.
Your panic stricken blood will thicken up tonight.
No, really, life is really good
"like a big pizza pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111111111111"
letssortoutthisjiggerypokery!
welliamsittingoutsideandidontknowittakesalongtimetogetitrightittakes
alongtimejusttogetithalfstraightthisismymindthisismytimetoletitallaway
it took time but i found you
it took time when i found you
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Lovely Stuff
So this homosexual guy got stoned to death by extremists, then a different group of extremist, an anti-gay league turned up at his funeral with pictures of the dead boy with devil horns on placards. Of course, due to freedom of speech, the boys family couldnt do much....
I don't like to trivialise it by putting it up here as *another* awful thing that happened today, I'll leave trivialisation and desensitization to news and the media. I just want to say, thats sickening.
There is no form of extremism that goes anywhere. Whatever your beliefs, far right or far left will always be tyranny, extreme loyalty to a religion will lead to conflict, extreme/blind pride and dignity in anything is just...wrong.
I wonder if extreme religious beliefs can be justified. Being a devout Christian, following every one of the ten commandments, surely then you could never cause anyone else harm *by default*. But things get bent....
the word 'fanatic' does sound...if i didnt know what it meant i might use it to describe how that cat must have felt when a bunch of scientists(or philosophers, i cant remember) put it in a box and speculated on if it would either be there or not be there when they lifted the lid. Or something similar, you know the experiment.
what about virtues? is extreme honesty a bad thing? extreme love?
extreme sharing? extreme kindness?
surely not....but possibly yes.
but what does that say? stay in the middle, have no beliefs, no bias to any side/religion/goal/group/organisation? nooooo, that cant be. im doing paradise lost in english these days. the fallen angles get togther and one of them, Belial suggests they do nothing and maybe after time God will forgive them.
Never do nothing. well, hardly ever. Nothing really does come from
nothing.
Is waiting considered doing nothing? Waiting for someone...
Waiting for someone that's led you into an art exhibition of their
soul, but has left on other business leaving you disoriented. Do you
wait for them to come back? or do you find an escape hatch, some holy
air ventilation shaft out of here.
I have a rule. It comes across as a heartless rule at first.
Never watch the news with any sympathy.
I hate it when something bad happens on the news and a parents says
"Oh, thats awful" stares at the tv blankly for 5 seconds,
then walks off.
What is that? Emotion? No, thats someone feeling like they ought to
pity a fellow human being who they've never met and who will never
recieve this pity.
Am i being cold and empty? I know that if something awful happened
to someone i know, or someone someone i know knows (what a sentence)
i would be there for them, and offer them my pity, sympthy, shoulder.
but standing still every time an oxfam promotion comes on in a kind
of...mark of respect to all those poor little children...
what my point is, is this. thats *usually* my rule, but the story
i opened this post with made me feel awful after i thought about it...absolutely
shit.
those of you who havent read 1984 dont worry, this isnt a spoiler.
those of you who have (im not veyr far in the book so if this idea
is emphasised a lot later on and it just looks like ive copied it
then, i havent) wouldnt you say the Two Minutes Hate is just like
the news? a two minute interval of our day when we can just fuel all
our pity and anger at something? whether it be a foriegn war, a close-to-home
13-year-old-blue-eyed-girl-gone-missing or just some figure like "AIDS
has risen by 12% in the last year". What the hell is that about?
thats fucked my friends
your humble narrator says, "thats fucked"
and by doing so, trivialises his whole post
full stop
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(blank)
A music video in which beautiful white people in white clothing kiss against a white background to robotic beats and repeated lyrics. Their whiteness is a camoflague, they can never be revealed for their nothingness when they are surrounded infinitely by it...simply blend in.
Blend into the background colour my friends.
Be Quiet, And Hope For The Best
After meeting my sweetheart at a coffee shop, I went home feeling highly loved up and desolately lonely. The train stopped at Norbiton and a lady poked the 'Open' button quickly and aggressively. The hiss of air escaping was all that proceeded. She looked firey-eyed at the door, "How dare you not work instantly? How dare you not obey me? I am human. We invented you dontyouknow. I'm in a hurry and have no time for things not working."
I have a message for you lady. It's something I noticed once. I took me one moment of observation to notice that if you *hold down* the 'Open' button on trains, the doors will open successfully. Maybe I shouldnt tell you. Maybe you've had too much spoon feeding in your life. It would just take one moment of observation...
One moment of observation to notice so much...
..including how the bloody button works on a train door.
(if she's allowed to get that annoyed at an inanimate object, im allowed
to rant about it here...i think. too late)
Best two coffees I've had in a long while if you're reading this :)
(eeeeeeeeeeek! wagga wagga bewelljsfxolio)
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will
My dearest friends, i want to apologise;
whether you wear red or blue tinted glasses, if you know the way forward
why dont you take it?
if you dont know the way forward i have phone numbers for chainsaw rental services. carve your way through the forests of possibilities!
eat *your* cake.
My dearest friends, i want to apologise.
hahah, my dearest friends. who are they?
"sisters and brothers. we've surely lost our way"
never!!onward!upward!backward!rhetoric!
we *will* find our way
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a play
the following play was written for a duologue competition that had to display moments of tension, conflict and power upheaveals. needless to say i did not win the competition. i though the theatrical side of this website wasn't doing too well. apart from rachel being a drama queen
If only you loved me?
Alan walks on stage wth an envelope.
Alan: Just came over to give you this.
Jack: What...(opens letter) What?
Alan: I?m leaving!
Jack: Leaving what?
A: Leaving this! I?m tired of married life Jack.
J: We aren?t married.
A: I know, I was just trying to cheer you up.
J: Aww, I appreciate that but, you heard whats happened yeah?
A: No? What?s up?
J: (sad) My dog died. Freddy, Freddy Cougar. I had him for 11 years.
A: Quite old in dog years...
J: I guess, but not long enough.
A: Ah, nothing ever is. Pieces of string, tails, muffins, frankfurters...
J: (talking to himself) My dog had beautiful eyes.
A: (talking to himself) I knew a frankfurter saleswoman.
J: (still to himself) Beautiful shit coloured eyes.
A: (still blah) She had beautiful eyes.
J: (still) Nice strong hind legs.
A: (you get the idea) But she thought I was too obtuse.
J&A: No-one ever listens to my problems.
(Loud bang off-stage)
A: What was that?
J: Nothing, just Pedro. What did she mean by obtuse?
A: What? Who?s Pedro? (goes over to wherever Pedro is said to be)
This is locked.
J: I?m gunna make myself a drink, want some tea?
A: Er, yeah, sure. Think Pedro wants some?
J: (shrugs) Ask him.
A: Pedro, want some tea? (pause) He says yes.
J: Well...FUCK YOU PEDRO.
A: Woah man! How long?s he been in there?
J: (looks at watch) 13 days, roughly. Er what day is it?
A: I?d..say..Thursday?
J: Thursday it is.
(pause)
J: Here's the tea mon.
A: Thanks. You know, today I woke up with a nosebleed.
J: What? That?s ugly man. Why you tell me that when I?m drinking my
tea?
A: And I heard this voice. Like an angel. Like, as if it was glowing
honey or some shit. Like, as if it was coming from outside my head,
and inside my head.
J: What you on mon? Drink the tea. (Loud bang offstage) SHUT THE FUCK
UP PEDRO.
A: And I tried to follow the voice, and it was coming from the mat
in my front room!
J: (sacrastically) No shit.
A: And there was a little bump under the mat, where this harmonious
epiphimonical exchelsious was coming from.
J: Uhuh.
A: So I, quick-as-a-fish lifted the mat, and there was this muskrat
singing it?s little heart out.
J: (unimpressed) A muskrat.
A: Anyway, yeah. (remembering something) You know I always record
my diary before going to sleep?
J: Yeah, that pisses me off man. Last time we came round yours and
you get out the fucking dictaphone and start with the, ?Dear Diary,
today I was severly interested in the orange hue of my shoes, Oh,
that rhymes, how pleasant. Perhaps on the morrow I shall write a dinty
little sea shanty.?
A: Anyway yeah. I had woken up with my recoreder in my hands, so I
just turned it on and recorded this fucking muskrat singing Al Green.
Hear.
(plays recording of Al Green)
J: This is some kind of joke mon. (Gets very sad and depressed) Come
on mon, no mind games on my birthday.
A: Serious! But the little fellah notices me and makes a break! I
think of the millions you can get for singing muskrats, very rare.
J: (completely honest, innocent) Yeah, I?ve only seen two for sale
on eBay.
A: Yeah, yeah. Turns out they were fake though, read it in the paper.
J: Back to the story mon.
A: Yeah sorry. So this rat-fink is making a break and taking me prospective
wealth with it, so I jump and catch it. But then, the oddest thing
happens.
J: Odder than a muskrat singing Al Green.
A: It, it...All in half-a-second, bites my hand, swings its feet free,
undoes this zip thing on its back, wriggles of its muskrat costume
and runs off, in the guise of a 9-inch high human! All the while singing
Al Green. I mean, i?ve heard of evolution, but in half a second?
J: (interupting) You talk so much shit. (bang offstage) SHUT UP PEDRO.
And....what?? evolution isn?t animals taking off donkey costumes and
turning into blue wales.
A: Look, heres the suit! (takes out a crumpled piece of paper)
J: That?s a piece of paper
A: He looked like a muskrat when he wore it!
J: And that recording, that?s you with a high pitch, ridICulous voice.
A: Yeah...well....fuck you! and fuck Pedro!
J: Leave off Pedro!
A: -??
J: (completely broken down) I just, I. I can?t take any more of this.
Stella left me for a diver from Tasmania, Freddy Cougar?s dead, you
with the muskrats, the view outside of fuckin? monkeys, (counts on
fingers) one, two, THREE pains in my right knee.
A: That rhymes, I might write a sea shanty.
J: (interupting at ?might write?) I?m going to end it, Pedro?s coming
out.
A: Wait!
J: What.
A: We need to resolve.
<pause. J and A look as though they have business to finish>
J: A wise man once said, ?You can?t say much in 10 minutes?.
A: Really?
J: No.
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*'s in their pies
Just heard from the paper, someone confessed to murder after seeing the new Mel Gibson movie. The thing to draw from this is that murderers go to the cinema too.
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..and we are the actors"
(Alan see's Jeff, a guy he hasn't seen for a few months but with whom he withholds a pretence of friendship because they went to the same Primary School, walking down the street towards him. Alan and Jeff both remove headphones)
Alan: Hey there.
Jeff: Hey man, what you been up to.
(First topics that come to Alans mind include: new girlfriend (to which Jeff will ask, "is she fit?"), how depressed he got after reading a book by Simone de Beauvoir, 'compossing' jazz music with Sam Leak at school)
A: The usual.
(Jeff stares)
A: The skies nice.
J: Yeah, it's almost getting hot enough to not wear a jacket
(Jeff is wearing a jacket, but Alan has been walking down the road with his jacket in his right hand)
A: Yeah...almost. You going to Uni this year?
J: Yeah.
(Alan waits for Jeff to elaborate...)
(silence)
A: Yeah, i'm not. Going on a gap year, seeing who's still gunna
be around (not that if you were around I'd dream of getting in touch)
J: What you gunna do?
A: No idea really (Lie)
J:You going to that party on the 5th?
A: ...hmm?...what party?
J: The one..I heard all you people are going...can't remember his
name
A: Harry? Lawrence?
J: Yeah, him. Heard everyones going.
A: Yeah, then i'm obviously going huh! I'll see you there
J: Yeah.
(A and J part)
I don't think I could have written a more...touchingly monotonous or at least boring dialogue. I can't help but find these kind of encounters hilarious whilst they're happening, you just want to scream, "YOU BLOODY MONKEY! Let's go play baseball with flamingoes and fly iPods to the moon! Yipeeeeee!". But no. Maybe next time.
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Naturally
I was just woondering:
Trust is supposed to be a big thing, but mostly isn't trust a natural
state of being? When you just meet someone, you find it much easier
take for granted that what they tell you is true.
Surely being untrusting is the state of mind that takes more conscious effort? Or can they both be natural states of mind for different people and circumstances. It just strikes me that, I only have to willfully trust people after they've done something which may have caused me to doubt them. I never just decide to find everyone untrustworthy. Saying that, I hardly trust anyone.
Obviously it's gunna be different for everyone, but isn't it easier and less complicated to just trust blindly? More painful of course...or maybe not.
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for all those missing
unimaginably heavy moon floats
on a whisper of desire between two distant hearts.
heavy heart floats on a whisper of promise.
whisper of your face!
birdsong beaten into train tracks.
wrap you up in feather/suffocated lungs
the distance between us grows with every consideration
i dont want to think about it, but now that i've made you my life....
what else is there to do but to miss you?
wrap you up in my arms/scream
yoursong beaten into train tracks/for you
did you hear?
I miss my squirrel!!
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So Cold
"Never catch up with yourself"
On Tuesday I went to Brighton because my dad has a boat there and I had to go to a Sussex Open Day on wednesday. We went to a very good Chinese and Malaysian restaurant. The waitress was this very small crease faced woman who bounced from side to side happily laughing away to herself. She offered as much wine as we could drink, but we weren't allowed to take any home.
The next day I went to Sussex open day and found things interesting...
two talks from important people about how good the uni is. good for
them. then two talks in two rooms with three teachers.
First room, philosophy:
Two teachers here, both very aimiable. The students are very funny
to look at. The range in interesting. Beside me is a mammoth of a
boy that is constantly righting his tiny tiny miniscule glasses on
his massive foghorn of a nose, to the other side is a girl who twitches
and shuffles even more than me. which really frightens me. opposite
is a girl who looks about 12 and stares at one teacher constantly
as if he's talking with a smiling fish sitting on his head.
many more girls than boys in philosphy. aint that odd kids???
next room is film. here everyone is a bit more similar. more interesting
clothing, less twitchy...
we go around saying our names, favourite film and why we want to do
film. i'm second, i'm nervous.
I can manage my name and then pause, do I say "and i'm an alcoholic"
or is better they dont know that? Favourite films...through my hands
i say requiem for a dream. i wonder why my hands are infront of my
face...i put them down and say i dont know why im doing film or philosophy
the teacher says thats fine, if you're doing philosophy thats good. just sit around and go, 'aaahh!'
but the POINT of this post is this. i really hate open days. makes me question myself. i havent had to question myself ojectively for a while, doesnt mean i havent, just means i havent had to. and what do you always find kids? thats right! you find that you have no idea. no bloody idea at all.
i am ill i am deathly ill
i am sick again i am ill i am sick being ill
5 points for who can name that song!
movement suggests that i am still alive
who here is living and not passing time?
when its 5am and you shout at your head that oddest of commands,
to lose consciousness, to give up the questioning....and theres that
weight on you.
I..Have...To...Get.....To....Sleep.....
and you worry that its late....
dont.
its already 5 am, it cant get much worse
just relax. take a step back. realise that your eye lids are tensed
the point or tearing. say, if i cant get to sleep fine, if i can fine.....
then you will
now i feel that weight.
im very nearly 18. the next ten years are the years of my youth. after
that...what?
i can never get them back. i feel pressure. its 4am. enjoy my life.
enjoy my friends. enjoy my family. enjoy my, if any, success. enjoy
my loves. its 5am and i'm still worrying about my identity. *fuck*
my identity. i can worry about my identity when im 30-70 but NOT now.
calm down, loosen up.
its sunrise and im dead. the moon has left me and i've fucked it
all up. everything that was good has passed and i will never enjoy
it again. my once tense heart may have stopped aching but the beat
has tripped too.
i have years to not happen. this is when i must happen. this is when
i have to happen but im not happening. there are no strobe lights
and broken speakers and fireworks and hurricanes. im not here this
isnt happening.
im not here this isnt happening
im not here im not here
i miss you
i miss you
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Fraidy Cats
this is for all the people who frequent this site but are scared to comment because we come across as too intellectual or possibly 'eliteist'
Please speak up. rAchel's the only one who's gunna call you stupid, and no-one listens to her.
But seriously. we're open minded people who don't needlessly offend.
I'd hate to think there are any unheard voices or opinions we're missing
out on.
A voice unheard is a penny thrown! Two hands in a glove is worth more
than a cook! When it comes to biscuits, don't call me Greg.
I doubt this post will change anything, but just so all you kids know, none of us kids is gunna shoot you down. Most we'll do is be silent.
Well I can't speak for Dave ;>)
In other news, Hahahahaha! Everyone laugh at Condoleeza Rice, she's
one dead puppy. What a waster, what a fuckin' waster!
"Dance Like You're Selling Nails" by Venetian Snares is
what you should all listen to. (Apologies for last post)
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long live brecht
alan fieldmouse is dead due to his password now only existing in the ether. 'a fieldmouse' is MK. II
I wonder if I should experiement by writing with a different persona. Say, a cosmopolitan heavily right wing hermaphrodite nun living off voles in the Yorkshire dales. I wonder if my writing style will change...
if this post insults anyone im very sorry. as well as incredibly amazed.
***I'm going to see PJ Harvey the day before my birthday!***
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...
[top]
Revision
"...for now the thought Both of lost happiness and lasting pain torments him"
dy/dx = f(x)g(y)
(1-3x)1/5 = 1+ 1/5(-3x) + 1/5(1/5-1)/2 (-3x)2+...
How powerful do you find Milton's presentation of the series of events in Paradise Lost, Book 1? Give reasons
r=7i -3j +3k +?(3i-2j+k)
What is the purpose of the Fool in King Lear? Why do you think he is not seen after Act 3 scene 6?
[dy/dx = f(x)g(yHow powerful do you(1-3x)find Milton's presen purpose
of the Fooltation of the series of eventsx) + 1/5seen after A r=7i
-3j +3k +?(3i-2j+k)in Paradise Lost, Book 1? Give reasons1/5 = 1+Why
do you think he is not ct 3 scene 6? 1/5(-3(1/5-1)/2 (-3x)2+... of
the Fool in King Lear?
What is the purposeWhat is the purposeWhat is the purposeWhat is the
purposeWhat is the purposeWhat is the purposeWhat is the purposeWhat
is the purposeWhat is the purposeWhat is the purposeWhat is the purpose]
Out of cheese error.
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The rest of my life
It's come to my attention that i should ponder which uni to go to after my gap year. Taking in factors such as awful grades, awful references and ...awful patchwork skills? my choices are narrowed down. Possibly to give my self the illusion of choice I stil havent decided what course I want, but it's between Film Studies, English and Philosophy, more so to Philosophy's side.
I'll cut to the chase. Anyone heard of Haythrop College? Part of the University of London and specialises *only* in Philosophy and Theology (and only appears to require three c's!!!!1!1111).
My worry is that, compared to a normal university where the excitement
will come from the clashing and thronging of the mulititude of subjects
and therefore people, at a place with 500 students, all either monks/monkettes
to be or deep thinkers, the general idea of fun will be getting mildly
tipsy whilst scoffing at Satre.
yes, i *know* thats rachels idea of heaven. But not mine.
i understand that if i cared about philosophy enough i'd relish the idea of being surrounded by like minded people. but that's the thing. i dont know what i actually care about...
So, anyone know anyone that goes there?
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GENDER
I took a quote from Christina Aguilera and switched mum with dad, man with woman:
Witnessing what my dad went through made me tell myself I would never put up with shit from a woman in my life."
I wonder if i'll ever read the above in a magazine? I think with men it's a more a, "It was when I was a spotty 15 year old and no girls took any interest in me (in fact the fat girls laughed at *me*) that i decided to be a woman hater".
Actually. I don't think I'll ever read that either...
I was looking through stuff the other day and found something I'd written, but don't remember writing, so I guess i was drunk:
hmmm, problems...people like problems, so i'll write about problems:
problems in my life...hmm...reality tv! theres one.
heres a novel idea for reality tv, follow a presenter around the streets
of england with a camera, with the presenters only purpose to complement,
aid, and generally be nice to people. see how many people dont run
away when s/he says "you have a really nice smile, like the sun
rising and lifting my consciousness with it, containing the substance
of my heart within an effervesing bubble of pure delight" with
complete sincerity.
[top]
nutty tart
inspired by rachel's previous ramblings and a newspaper article, today I'll be chatting about gender.
men are really fucked up guys, like, seriously. Once it was all clear cut, men were dominating bastards, women were supressed, objectified, victimised. Yes, it was afwul! Yes, we have progressed! But by diggety, a lot of men are now unsure of their place in society. It was a small point in the newspaper, and not really justified, but i found the idea interesting that, now women are just as eligable to work as men, the following is now possible, "the home unit is now mother and child, the father being replaced by the state."
Women dont *need* men to take care of them or provide for them. They get their own money and their own benefits. But where does that leave us? Personally, in a relationship I have enough faith that things will work mutally, but i feel sorry for the men who have no idea what they're suppoed to be doing. All range of statistics from male anorexia to depression to concern over image have increased dramatically for men. Not that this is unfair because female anorexia and the concern over image that male objectification brings have always been high. But now, as well as females suffering from the male gaze, men are suffering from the female...dissatisfaction?
Ay! These are interesting times.
What saddens me is that, the women who were once oppressed (in the western world. im well aware women are systematically victimised still in many countries) and who fought the oppression, winning the right to vote, the equal wage, the maternity leave and so forth, are all now dead. This is a statement that may get me shot, but all hardcore feminists of today *arent/werent* victimised nearly half as much as they were and so should shut up (much like Germaine Greer has astutely decided to do). What we need is for the gender that now seems to be calling the shots to change their attitude.
otherwise the balance will forever be switching sides.
It was a year or so that Iraq was under American rule. And already it is suggested that horrible memory of Saddams regime is dulling, being replaced with the American occupation. How easy the force of 'liberation' becomes the oppression if unchecked.
Name me any rebellion where the rebellion has been successful *and* the successful side has taken measures to ensure the previous regime never comes to power again(I mean reeaal measures. Not just signing a paper and saying thats it). Will women ensure that men do not become oppressed? Or insecure? Or redundant? Or in a few years time will men have to turn the tables again.
My advice kids, is not to worry. Don't treat your husbands, wives or mice bad, because there's no reason to. Aim to be equal and fair in all of your personal relationships, and that's a start.
especially with the fieldmice.
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